I want to become my Father’s joy. I want Him to look at me and marvel at His creation. I just want to bask in His presence all day long. I want to want to love Him. Disappointing Him makes my heart sad. An hour from His presence brings back all the heartache I have caused Him. A moment from Him makes me lose my mind temporarily, headless chicken I become. Then the whole day without Him I lose sight completely. 2 weeks I shunt say. Imagine I was away from His presence for 3 years.
Those were the worst 3 years of my life, I lost my mind, sight and my footing. I forgot how good it was to gather with the children of God in the house of the Lord. I had no one to give my heavy burden to, yet Jesus told me who to give, Matthew 11; 28-30, so instead I turned to strong drink which made my heart even harder. I had taken my inheritance whilst my father was still alive (Luke 15; 12-13). I went ahead and lost everything, was unsettled. As a strong woman, what I thought was my strength worked out my demise. I fell to the ground and needed someone to pick me up and no one could be found to pick me up. I ended up feeding the swine and eating with them as dirty and smelly as they are, yikes!!! Then I came to my senses and realized in my father’s house as a servant I would eat and be dressed better.
My father was out in the field everyday waiting for my return. Even with no hope of my return He still went out in the field to look out for me. Such love, His heart could not let me go. At the sight of me He ran with His arms open wide not even asking for anyone to come and welcome me, He had to just do it Himself. I cried and fought Him because I didn’t think I deserved any of that love. I was a sinner and just his acceptance was all l wanted. But my Father was there waiting for me. While I was still far from home he saw me, microscopic vision I must say. Imagine how I felt, I couldn’t believe it. After everything I had done to Him, He still found me deserving of His forgiveness. The Love of God is so great. He told me to get into that watery grave and I listened. Let me tell you how it happened;
On Saturday the 9th of May I went to Botswana for all the wrong the reasons but God changed all that. Here I was in Botswana, rushing for church service with no idea why I really wanted to attend Divine service. The devil thought he had it figured out. The sermon the pastor preached that day was just what l needed. The pastor spoke about Matthew 6.33 “Seek Ye first the kingdom of God….” The statement that caught me was “Before you seek conjugal rights seek for satisfaction.” Then he goes on to say “don’t look for food pray for an appetite.” That’s faith right there!! The last part that had me in tears was when he said, “Before you dream of heaven make sure you are already there.” He went on to talk about heaven and for the first time I actually dreamt of heaven. At that moment I realized I really wanted Heaven. All my earthly pleasures for a minute started vanishing. You would think that’s enough.
Then the pastor made a call, to those who wanted to accept Jesus as their personal savior for the first time. I was just there thinking to myself, what about rebaptism (I really needed that seeing the life I lived away from God). The pastor then went on to make a call for people who wanted to be rebaptised. That startled me. Told myself it was just a mere coincidence. Then I started thinking about questions people would ask me, like, ‘What happened to you? Why are you getting baptized again? What did you do?’ I thought about my mom, dad, family and friends. The pastor disturbed my thoughts and said “It doesn’t matter about your mom, dad, brothers because Jesus is the one who died for you.”
At that moment the most amazing thing happened; the pastor asked the chorister to sing the song ‘’My Jesus I love thee’’. I knew God was calling me. I love this song and I sang this song with my friend a few months back when she came to visit me. I had told her my story and she assured me that Jesus wants me back. The Pastor carried on with the call for rebaptism, the holy spirit nudged at my heart continuosly. The church sang the song over and over again. God’s love would not let me go. My heart broke when the pastor cried, because God had told him there was someone He was waiting for. I could not stay in my seat anymore not with so much love surrounding me. As soon as I stood the pastor stopped the music and prayed.
I got rebaptised on the 16th of May and all the hurt, pangs of life just turned into peace. Peace that surpasses all understanding. God renewed me, I am a new creation. I remember the 13 baptismal vows I made on my baptism and I renew them with Christ every day. I know that its not going to be easy but I believe that l am loved by a God who will never give up on me. I am loved by a love that will not let me go. There is no turning back now; If Christ is not there I don’t want. I have decided to follow Jesus.