Prior to giving my heart to the Lord some years ago, I truly was a broken young women. (As mentioned before in my letter to my younger self ) l was coming from an abused background (sexual, verbal and sometimes physical), alcoholic and abusive father, and depressed and broken mother, my beginnings were pretty much a mess. I thought achievement would take care of that, so I was a pretty good student, first to attend college in my immediate family, success with worldly things, good job, nice car, college scholarship, and pretty attractive I suppose. So, I had it all going on. But, no one ever knew I’d the real brokenness I had inside, the fear of failure l had, and the idea that I always had to appear to have it together.
Most of all, I put a lot of worth in that I looked like. I was always told I was pretty. Not smart or things like that, and plus I thought that was what attracted my abusers to me, because I was pretty, so that was what made me special. It wasn’t until I began to fall apart and lose the things that I thought made me special, successful and important. When I began to do things I said I would never do. When I began to fail and not be seen as perfect. I ended up dating a drug dealer. He made me feel special, or what I thought at the time was special. I became sexually active and saught his acceptance, which I never seemed to be able to gain. I became wrapped up in the lifestyle of that young man an ended up loosing my scholarship. After that, I got pregnant and chose to have an abortion. This took me over board because I was in such shame and guilt.
I began to not care about how I looked and began to give up and fall completely over board. Depression and low self esteem had taken over and made me a person that many people told me they couldn’t recognize. I eventually got so low that, I began to look for a way out. I was blessed that a friend invited me to church with her and that began my journey with the Lord. Eventually, I surrendered my heart to Him at the age of 18. He began to put my life back together. It wasn’t an over night thing. It took much time, some mistakes and prayer. Eventually, God gave me the strength to let that poisonous relationship go. I was left with some scars from that. I walked away, having given my virginity, I was a murderer, having killed a unborn child through abortion, I lost my purpose in life.
God however, restored me through time. He mended the broken relationship I had with my father, he gave me my parents back as a support system (they divorced when I was 9, but remarried when I was 19). He also renewed my identity in Him, not in my physical beauty. I got help, counseling for the abuse and brokenness I experienced as a child. I began to open up and be honest with those around me about the hurt and pain that lay underneath. I also found purpose in telling my story and sharing with other young women.
God also saw it fit to bless me with a Godly, loving, understanding, and mission minded husband. We love our marriage and we love sharing with people from any where and every where we can share with, just how God can take messed up sinners like us and transform our lives to give us a testimony. He has the ability to restore, redirect, refine, regenerate and Redeem us from this world. God also blessed me with 4 beautiful, healthy, smart and wonderful children, dispite my mistakes from the past. There is so much more to the story, but in the end, all I can say is I once was broken, and undone. But God….has made me beautiful through His son, Christ Jesus, and He not even close to being done yet. You can read more about me in this post I did — Letter to my younger self.