They say when life gives you lemons make lemonade, unfortunately some lemons life throws your way can be too bitter to turn into lemonade. I’ve spent a couple of days and nights crying out to God and asking Him, why, why, why, why this and that has to happen this way. In the past few months I’ve considered shutting down this blog and throwing in the towel and walking away from life as l know it and from Women Set Apart ministry. I thought maybe leaving everything l am currently doing and packing it away only to pick up something different and start afresh would make more sense. I felt God was being very unfair to me. I did not understand how the people around me seem to have life laid up on a silver platter while l wake up every morning and struggle to get through the day without the thought crossing my mind that maybe I will not make it in life after all.I must admit l was having one very big crazy pity party in my head.
I felt inadequate and incapable to lead a ministry when l myself was feeling disheartened and very distant from God Himself. I questioned God why He was allowing some things to happen to me. My heart tugged every night I deliberately refused to kneel and pray or those early mornings l would wake up and intentionally choose to pick up my phone instead of my bible. I refused to sit down and listen to what God was trying to tell me. In tears l constantly cried and told him that l thought he did not care about me, or was concerned about me and my plans. I told him I was angry at Him and didn’t quite understand how such a loving father would keep silent when his daughter wants answers and wants them now. I did not have time to wait around and wait for God to work it all out for me. But still God did not give up on me, there was a constant tug in my heart calling me aside and telling me to find my quiet place and just talk to Him and rest. He even sent my prayer partner in answer to a prayer I hadn’t even prayed out loud. I received encouragement from people who did not even know what I was going through. I received a lot of emails from women who came across the blog or the Facebook page telling me how their own life was going, how they appreciated the encouragement from this blog and how much they needed prayer. I mumbled unenthusiastic prayers for them and hoped that God would somehow answer their prayers by some chance since He was taking so long to answer mine.
I couldn’t talk to God, I realised I was angry at Him. But each new day, God gave me so many fresh reasons why it was important for me to steal away and spend some time with Him. I knew l couldn’t carry the burden that I had on my heart any longer, so l finally decided to wear my big girl panties and come crawling right back to God. I felt stupid and as l knelt there and mumbled about how I didn’t exactly know what to say to Him, a flood of scripture promises came flooding back to memory. I prayed and cried at the realisation that God was with me all along, was for me and he was not going anywhere. I begged God to tell me why the plans that l had for my life where falling apart and everything I was trying to do was just not happening and a verse came to mind it was so loud and clear.
I peter 5:6-7 , “Miriam therefore humble yourself under the mighty hand of God, that He will exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him for He cares for you.” I cried some more as l realised that the reason l was feeling so overburdened was because l had not trusted God fully, I was submitting to my circumstances instead of submitting to the God who controls circumstances.
I asked Him again, “Father how come this person and that person has this and that and are doing this and that but I’ve been praying for this and that but I’m still here waiting. Things seem to be moving on well for so and so and this and that is happening to this person but not me.” And another verse came to mind Jeremiah 29:11 “For l know the plans that l have for you Miriam, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope.” Another verse immediately popped up Psalm 138:8 “The Lord will work out his plans for my life, for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever. Don’t abandon me, for you made me. (NLT) I smiled as l realised that in life trusting God often means not knowing how God is going to accomplish what needs to be done and when He will do it but believing that it will happen at the right place and at the right time.
I asked God again, “Father l want to get married and have kids, a house, why is it taking so long when you seem to be doing it for so many other people.” I remember laughing as l wrote this verse down, Ecclesiastes 3:1 “Miriam to everything there is a season and a time for every matter or purpose under heaven.’ I realised l was running far ahead of God, I did not have peace because the “clay was telling the potter” how to mold and make it. I realised that the secret to peace with God is to discover, accept and appreciate God’s perfect timing. Another important lesson l learnt is that seasons come and go. Embrace, love and appreciate the season you find yourself in now, we don’t all leave in the same season at the same time so you should never be jealous of someone who is enjoying their harvest while you are still in the planting season. Seeing the results they are enjoying should actually be an encouragement to you so you can know and understand that “all things work together for the good for those that Love the Lord.” Things do not always stay the same and seasons will change. No matter how good things look in your life or how bad they are going, embrace and love each moment as a gift from God. Plant a good seed wherever you are and be faithful in the place that God has placed you. Grow and learn from it and eventually God will bring a harvest in your life.
I asked God so many questions that night and for every question l asked there was a bible scripture clear as crystal with the answer to my question. If l wrote every question here, l could surely write a book. That night l let it go. I told God that I wanted to lay all my plans down, surrender it all and trust Him with my life and not allow things that l have no control over to control my life. That night I surrendered my heart and my life to God anew.
Here l am today happier than l was a few weeks ago. I realise that happiness is a choice, you have to wake up every morning and tell yourself that despite my circumstances, despite what is going right or what is going wrong l choose to surrender it all to God and live this day that He has blessed me with to the best of my ability. I chose to let go of the things that l cannot control and take hold of those things that I can control. I surrendered my plans into God’s hands and accepted the plans that He has for me. Now my life is simply an unfolding of God’s plans in my life. I wait in expectation because l know that He who has promised me is faithful to fulfil. This ministry does not belong to me, it belongs to God and He has blessed me with it so that in all my trials, my disappointments, my tears and anguish that I go through l can look deep inside and ask Him for that extra strength to carry on so that l can minister and encourage somebody else. As well as in all the happiness and joyful moments that He sends my way l may be able to tell someone that things are going to get better, things don’t always stay the same. Change is going to come. Weeping may endure for the night but Joy comes in the morning. Life is beautiful when you let go and Let God take control.
Now that the bigger plan for my life is being orchestrated and directed by the creator of the universe himself, I have chosen to take control of things that l can control such as my health and fitness. I am on a journey of living a healthier and happier life.God is working on me and l believe l am a work in progress and no I’m not angry at God anymore, I make it a point to talk to Him everyday, almost every other hour because l have come to realise that the Joy of the Lord is truly my strength and in His presence there is fullness of Joy and the time l chose to spend with Him is truly incomparable. I encourage you to get on your knees pour your heart out to God, tell him where you are. There is no need to pretend with God. He knows you, he knows your heart. Lay it all down, those broken alabaster pieces that you are still holding onto, let them go and let God give you something more. He loves you!
Good news is I will be sharing a lot more on this blog than the past few months because I realise someone out there needs it as much as l do. It may never be a perfect blog post but my prayer is that Jesus Christ will be glorified in my life as well as through this ministry and that someone will brought to the foot of the cross. Finally, in all this l learnt that we should let God worry about all the worrisome details of our lives that we do not have control over. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” So remember in what ever you do, “Lean on, trust in and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own understanding. In all your ways know, recognize and acknowledge Him, and He will make straight and plain your paths.” Pro 3:5-6 .. God loves you so much!!